Updated below at 3:04pm
*This entire post was done with absolutely NO research. That’ll be impressive once you’re finished*
Are you tired of the Christmas music on the radio? Normally I’m not. I love Christmas music.
But I should clarify…
I love Christmas CAROLS. In fact, I can name most of them right off the top of my head with no help from Google.
Away in a Manger, Silent Night, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, While By the Sheep, The First Noel, O Come All Ye Faithful, Angels we Have Heard on High, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, We Three Kings, It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, O Little Town of Bethlehem, Joy to the World, Oh Holy Night, Emmanuel.
In fact, I dare you to recite all FOUR verses of Joy to the World. If you do it in the comments WITHOUT using Google or an app or a hymnal, I’ll give you $2.00.
Then there are the intermediate carol-like songs. Carol of the Bells, Ding Dong Merrily on High, Deck the Halls, Jingle Bells, We Wish You a Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, etc. Those I can handle as well.
After that category, we have the “cheesy non-carol but everybody knows them” songs. White Christmas, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Winter Wonderland, It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Silver Bells, etc.
These are borderline obnoxious. After one or two rounds I’m done.
Next up- the holiday music that goes along with famous Christmas movies. I’m not fond of them, but when in the right mood, I can belt out a “You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch!” or handle Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas rendition. Usually alcohol is necessary though.
Finally we have the Justin Bieber holiday special songs that cause an automatic gag reflex when I hear them. Sappy, soapy, sudzy, cheesy, melo-dramatic, fake, let’s cry just for the hell of it songs. Christmas Shoes, Grown up Christmas List, The Gift, etc. I’m not a scrooge but I cannot handle this music. Someone ban it from the radio please.
Oh wait…there is one last category. I call this the weird perverted bird obsession category. This last mention has only one song. Let’s just say this: If you heard carolers outside your door getting ready to sing and they began with this song, you’d throw gingerbread cookies and eggnog out the window and run for cover.
It is this song that Eliana (my wonderful middle child) has decided she must memorize. She picked up a book from the library yesterday, which had all the words listed in the back. She’s been singing it non-stop. She has it nailed…and I’m about ready to stick wrapping paper in my ears.
Can you guess what song it is?
The premise of the song is ridiculous. It’s about a lover giving his partner Christmas presents.
12 Drummers Drumming– Is this the same as giving your kid a drum set for Christmas? That’s a form of torture in most countries.
11 Pipers Piping– So in addition to the racketing drums, we have the squeaky squealy bagpipes, complete with tights and skirts on the men.
10 Lords a Leaping– All I can picture are the male ballerinas with their junk advertised in their skinnies. No thank you.
9 Ladies Dancing– Not too bad, though I’m not sure you could hear or see them after all the mess above.
8 Maids a Milking– Are these wet nurses? Or are we talking servants with cows? I’m not sure what’s worse.
7 Swans a Swimmin– Those beasts are nasty! I’ve tried to get close to one and almost got my hand bitten off. If you didn’t have a pond, you’d have to put the suckers in your bathtub.
6 Geese a Layin– So we’ve got geese in heat. Wonder how they’ll mesh with the swans.
5 Golden Rings– Now we’re talking.
4 Calling Birds– Cause the house isn’t noisy enough yet.
3 French hens– I wonder if they taste like cheese and chocolate when you cook them.
2 Turtledoves– The composer of this song has a bird fetish…I just know it.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree. Yeah. I’ve never asked for a tree with a bird in it. Not sure how those logistics work, but whatever. By the time you get to this gift, you are traumatized by the 11 others.
Ellie sings this song multiple times a day. I’ve clocked it. That damn melody takes nearly 10 minutes to get through, and that’s if you sing it in double time!
Well now I’ve had quite the comments today. First of all, congratulations to Juliana McLachlan who won $2.00 for getting ALL FOUR verses of Joy to the World.
Sandy, you get nothing…especially because you didn’t even know there was a fourth verse. And you call yourself a musician?
And according to my know-it-all aunt, who actually does know a lot, the 12 Days of Christmas was some secret code song for persecuted Christians. Thank goodness I put the disclaimer at the top about my lack of research. I have an excuse for why I just poked fun at something you shouldn’t poke fun at.
It’s still a terrible song to listen to more than once. Just sayin’